Random XII

It is interesting, how words are overused. Camouflaging what lies beneath. I say "random" to a lot of things. What I mean each time, is different. Who cares to understand?

I had such a scorched day. Ups and downs. Woke up. Disturbing trains of thought. Same old fears coming back. Where they ever gone?

Super lunch. It is nice to like people and to be not close enough to know them enough to dislike a few things.

Bad night. Those trains of thought.

Have you ever fought
that feeling
the feeling which makes you want to burst out
seek an expression
the expression you never had
the one you seek all the time
but seek enough to lose sight of it.

On an entirely unrelated note : I have finally isolated two things i cannot tolerate :
a) people acting silly when drunk
b) infidelity

Why? When you're drunk, you're a different silly person. You will say things which you wouldn't, otherwise. And then you will make excuses for it saying you were not yourself. So, which one is the YOU? If a pint of beer could change that, so could a host of other things.

Infidelity? Another grey area. I don't quite understand the concept either way : neither fidelity nor infidelity. I spent all of my thinking of WHY do I hate it so much. One of the reasons is that there is no way to retaliate. I am helpless. Vulnerable. Exposed. Open to hurt. Yeah, I say the day it happens to me, I will walk out. But what if my own affection makes me weak? Then I lose the only defense I had. And it goes downhill from there.

Sarcastic? Yes. Sad, yes. Scared? maybe. Scarred? Hell yeah.

There's always a first time .. for the link to break. One exception and you give in kind heartedly. More will follow.

Someone somewhere

This is a funny fuzzy thing to write. Someone is getting married. Now this someone happens to be a lady I really really identify with. Well, make it "identified with". So its been really really interesting to see how she's metamorphosed into this completely different person.  Interesting, is the word for it.

When I write about her turning into this new person, I tend to think of my own persona. I have changed so much too, since the time I knew her and now.

There are times when you like people without a specific reason. This is one of those times. And one of those when I never went to her and said Hey you know what, I like you.

But in some strange weird way, I'm happy for her.

Today, as I was getting out of the ATM, a man crossed me by. His deo/whatever reminded me so much of someone I used to know in college. It was like a  stabbing pain in the heart. Stays and hits you till it stays.

There is some macabre interest in knowing what exactly are the things that you could be traded off for.

Tried to call the one man I cursed each day of my adult life.

Did not get through. If I had, what would I say? I have no clue.

Update

Its been ages since I've posted something tangible. All this while I've been writing half-sentences, tangles of thoughts, intertwined strings of feelings. Lets write something less mystic then :)

Life's been good. Lots of things up. And down. Things happened. People happened. Came. Went. I am still where I started out.

Leaving those metaphors aside, on the practical side of things, I learnt to live alone :) Cook for myself, manage the normal functioning of a house, deal with people etc etc. I even slept alone in the house for one whole week. YO!

It feels like home now. No, not the house I'm living in. But this life. Random as it might be. Liquid as it might be. Its mine, and I'm responsible for it. I love that feeling.

There are dreams in my eyes again.